I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
