She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
