I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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