I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
