Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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