I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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