i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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