Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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