you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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