Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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