that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
