nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My feet surprised me
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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