awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
