My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
