I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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