it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
