Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
