Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
