found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
