dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Michael Bay diarrhea
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
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Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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