highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
