I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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