Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
