Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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