I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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