having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
