just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Randomize
