Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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