I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
