Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
