if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
