By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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