I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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