some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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