Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
