you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
