I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
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Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
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My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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