Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
