The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
