Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Alive.
So much puke
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
