But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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