worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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