WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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