Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
