Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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