So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
