She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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