he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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