The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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