I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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