i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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