Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
