JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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