if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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