Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
