I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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