im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
