yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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