how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
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you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
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I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dear god my vagina.
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