i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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