Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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