he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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