I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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