i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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