she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
