What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
