Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
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Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
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My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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